Ask a child what “fair” means, and you’ll get the same answer every time: everyone gets the same thing. One cookie for me means one cookie for my sister. If she got new shoes, I want new shoes too — never mind that mine don’t have holes in them yet.
Rabbi Kelemen points out that this definition of fairness, left unchallenged, turns parenting into an exhausting balancing act and teaches children the wrong lesson entirely. The healthier definition he offers is simple to say and harder to live: fair means every child gets what they need, when they need it.
A child whose shoes developed holes gets new shoes. That doesn’t make the sibling jealous — as long as that sibling trusts that when their shoes wear out, they’ll get new ones too. A child going through an unusually hard week needs, and gets, more attention than usual. The other kids don’t resent it, provided they know the same generosity will be there for them when their turn comes.
This reframes something parents worry about constantly: “Am I giving enough attention to each kid equally?” Kelemen’s answer, drawing on this approach, is that equal was never the right goal. Secure is the right goal. A child doesn’t need the exact same number of minutes as their sibling. They need to trust that attention flows toward whoever needs it most right now — and that the tap doesn’t run dry when it’s their turn.
How to actually apply this at home:
- Stop counting. Don’t mentally tally whether each child got “equal time” today. Ask instead whether each child’s actual needs were met.
- Say it out loud when a sibling asks why someone’s getting more. “Your sister needs extra help with her homework tonight — when you need extra help, I’ll be right there too.” Naming the principle teaches it.
- Watch for the resentment signal. If a child seems anxious or jealous, it’s often not about this moment’s fairness — it’s about whether they trust they’ll be taken care of later. Address the trust, not the tally.
- Give generously when a child is struggling, without guilt about the “imbalance.” A child in crisis needs more than a child who’s doing fine, and that’s not favoritism — it’s parenting.
- Revisit this definition with your kids directly. Teaching them this idea of fairness early prevents years of sibling scorekeeping.
Equal treatment feels fair to accountants. Responsive treatment is what actually makes children feel secure. Once you make that shift, so many of the daily “that’s not fair!” battles simply stop making sense to fight.
For more of Rabbi Kelemen’s practical chinuch wisdom, join the inner circle at lawrencekelemen.com.
This blog was co-written with Artificial Intelligence.