A parent once asked Rabbi Lawrence Kelemen an uncomfortable question: how do you raise children in a community where wealth is everywhere — where even at a Jewish day school, kids sit around comparing hundred-dollar shoes?
Kelemen’s answer starts with a twist most parents don’t expect. It’s often not the wealthier children who are the problem. It’s guilty parents. He’s noticed that families going through something hard — a separation, an illness, a private struggle — are frequently the ones showering kids with more stuff, more gadgets, more compensation. The children on the receiving end of a new iPod have no idea their parents are drowning in guilt. All they see is: this kid got an iPod. Now I want one too.
That reframes the whole problem. The visible material gap between families isn’t really about money — it’s a symptom of what’s happening emotionally inside homes, made visible through purchases. Kelemen has spoken for a full hour at a national chinuch convention just on this topic, which tells you it isn’t a one-line fix. But a few real starting points emerge from his teaching.
**What to actually do:**
1. **Notice your own motive before you buy.** Before the next “yes,” ask honestly: am I giving this because my child truly needs it, or because I feel guilty about something else entirely — my schedule, a hard season, a family situation?
2. **Talk values, not price tags.** Kids don’t inherently care about money until they’re taught to measure worth by it. Model — out loud — what you actually value: effort, character, chesed, not acquisition.
3. **Don’t try to out-spend the environment.** If your child’s school or neighborhood runs wealthy, you will lose that race. Instead, give your child something scarcer and more valuable: your attention, your presence, your pride in who they are rather than what they have.
4. **Address comparison directly.** When your child notices “so-and-so has more,” don’t dismiss it. Use it as a real conversation about what actually makes a life good — a conversation, not a lecture.
The deeper lesson Kelemen is pointing to: chinuch problems that look financial are almost always emotional problems wearing a price tag. Fix what’s underneath, and the material comparisons lose most of their power.
For more of Rabbi Kelemen’s practical Torah guidance on raising grounded kids in a materially complicated world, join the inner circle at lawrencekelemen.com.
This blog was co-written with Artificial Intelligence.