“Good job!” might be the most repeated phrase in modern parenting — and Rabbi Lawrence Kelemen’s chinuch framework suggests it may also be one of the least useful, precisely because it’s so generic that it stops communicating anything at all.
The problem isn’t praise itself. Children need to hear that their efforts matter. The problem is praise that’s disconnected from anything specific, delivered so reflexively that it becomes background noise — indistinguishable from a parent’s habitual filler word. A child who hears “good job” for a scribbled drawing, a genuinely thoughtful essay, and simply putting on their own shoes has no way of knowing which of those things actually mattered, or why.
Worse, vague praise trains children to perform for approval rather than to notice their own internal sense of a job well done. Over time, the question shifts from “did I do this well?” to “did that land with my parent?” — an external compass replacing an internal one.
The alternative is specific, descriptive feedback that names what actually happened: not “good job,” but “you kept trying even after it didn’t work the first two times” or “you noticed your sister looked upset and you checked on her without anyone telling you to.” This kind of language does something generic praise can’t — it hands the child language for their own values, which they can then recognize in themselves next time, without needing you in the room to confirm it.
Three shifts to try this week:
1. Replace one “good job” a day with a specific, one-sentence description of what your child actually did.
2. Where possible, ask a question instead of delivering a verdict: “How did that feel to finish?” — building their own internal evaluation rather than outsourcing it to you.
3. Save your most enthusiastic praise for effort and character, not just outcomes — a child praised only for results learns to avoid anything that risks failing.
The goal isn’t less praise. It’s praise specific enough to actually teach something.
For more of Rabbi Kelemen’s teaching on raising internally motivated children, join the inner circle at lawerencekelemen.com.
This blog was co-written with Artificial Intelligence.