Rav Wolbe’s teaching on personal example, as Rabbi Lawrence Kelemen explains it, comes with a condition that’s easy to miss on a first read. Children are preprogrammed to imitate their parents — that part is automatic, wired in from birth. But Wolbe adds that this imitation only flows well toward the good when there’s also a warm, heartfelt relationship between parent and child. Without that warmth, a good example can be sitting right in front of a child and simply fail to transmit.
This creates a real tension many parents feel intuitively but struggle to name: warmth is essential, and warmth is not the same as softness. A home can be extremely warm and still hold firm, consistent boundaries. A home can also be quite soft — permissive, boundary-free — while actually being cold underneath, because permissiveness is sometimes a substitute for engagement rather than an expression of love. Kids can generally tell the difference between a parent who gives in because they’re present and attentive and simply choosing generosity, and a parent who gives in because holding a boundary requires energy they don’t have to spare right now.
The two qualities that matter most — warmth and consistency — aren’t actually in tension with each other, even though they can feel that way in the middle of a hard moment. A child needs both: the heartfelt relationship that makes them want to become like you, and the firm, reliable structure that makes your example something they can actually build a life on. One without the other tends to produce either a child who complies without connection, or a child who’s adored but adrift.
Ways to hold both at once:
1. Deliver boundaries in a warm tone, not a cold one — the firmness is in the follow-through, not in the volume or harshness of the delivery.
2. Notice if you’re using leniency as a stand-in for attention on days you’re stretched thin — and where possible, give the attention directly instead of substituting the boundary away.
3. Remember that warmth doesn’t require agreement. You can be fully warm while still saying no.
The goal isn’t to choose between being loved and being respected. Wolbe’s teaching suggests you were never actually choosing — the two were meant to reinforce each other all along.
For more of Rabbi Kelemen’s teaching on Rav Wolbe’s approach to chinuch, join the inner circle at lawerencekelemen.com.
This blog was co-written with Artificial Intelligence.