Every parent has said it, or heard someone say it about their kid: “She’s just doing that for attention.” It’s usually said with a roll of the eyes, as if attention-seeking were a character flaw to be corrected — something to ignore until it stops.
Rabbi Lawrence Kelemen pushes back hard on this framing. His comparison is blunt: saying a child just wants attention is like saying she just wants oxygen. If a child doesn’t get sufficient attention, something in them genuinely withers. It isn’t manipulation. It’s a need, and needs don’t go away because we label them inconvenient.
This reframing changes how you respond to a clingy toddler, a teenager who suddenly wants to talk at 11 p.m., or a middle child acting up right after a new sibling arrives. The behavior isn’t the problem to solve — the underlying hunger is.
Here’s where it gets practical. If attention is a need like food or sleep, then the solution isn’t rationing it out grudgingly; it’s giving generous portions, proactively, before the need turns into a demand. A child who is already well-fed on attention doesn’t need to act out to get a plate.
This also means attention isn’t distributed evenly, and it shouldn’t be. If one child is going through a hard stretch — a tough year at school, a friendship falling apart, a medical scare — that child needs more attention right now, and the other children need to understand why, not resent it. The lesson you want to plant in a sibling isn’t “life is fair,” it’s “when I go through something hard, my parents show up for me too.” That’s a far more useful thing for a child to internalize than strict equality.
A few ways to put this into practice this week:
Build in unscheduled attention, not just scheduled attention. Five minutes of undivided, phone-down focus when your child is doing something unremarkable — building blocks, telling you a rambling story — teaches them they don’t need a crisis to get your eyes on them.
Watch for the quiet ones. The child who never asks for attention is often the child who has learned not to expect it, not the child who doesn’t need it. Go to them first.
Say the truth out loud. Instead of “stop doing that for attention,” try naming the need without shame: “It seems like you need me right now — I’m here.” You’ll often watch the behavior dissolve on its own once the underlying need is acknowledged.
None of this means indulging every demand or letting attention-seeking override real boundaries. It means recognizing that a child asking for attention is not showing you a flaw in their character — they’re showing you a need in their day. Treat it the way you’d treat hunger: address it, don’t shame it.
The next time you catch yourself thinking “they just want attention,” try finishing the sentence honestly — because they do, and that’s exactly the point.
For more teachings like this on raising emotionally secure children, join the inner circle at lawerencekelemen.com.
This blog was co-written with Artificial Intelligence.